Halcyon
by Meiran Chang
Summary: SHONEN-AI, 1X2, WHICH MEANS HEERO/DUO. It's got angst, cursings, and Duo's quite a wreck, after loving Heero and not wanting to. Heero tries to redeem himself, but will it be enough? First in a 3-parter.


Halcyon

/../ denotes thoughts 

------

/Did you ever think that love would be so hard?  
I know that I believed in what I thought you'd never see.../

/I never said I did, I never said I didn't  
Then again, I never said, did I?/

/No, my love, you didn't./

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A dark-haired, blue-eyed boy, surely no more than fifteen, sat up. The hour was late; according to the glowing red numbers of the digital clock by the side of the boy's computer, it was past 3:00 AM. Yet oddly enough, unlike a normal child of his age would, the boy showed no sign of fatigue or restlessness. His back was ramrod straight, his face was unexpressive, and his posture meant business as his quick fingers flew over the keyboard. The sound of his typing was only amplified by the late night's silence, drowning the chorus of cicadas outside the room.

His roommate groaned irritably and flung an arm over his eyes. "Je~sus, Heero, would you just get to bed? I *know* we've got a mission soon, but I can't sleep with all your damned typing!"

Heeo, for that was what the blue-eyed boy's name was, paused his rapidfire typing for a moment; those that knew him would have recognized this as the miracle it was, and thus the slight and involuntary widening of his roommate's big eyes was quite justified. "The base we've been assigned to destroy contains massive numbers of mobile suits. I'm gathering important data on the statistics of the suits there."

"Finish it tomorrow," his roommate grumped. "It won't kill you to get some sleep, either."

"Why bother redoing everything tomorrow, if I can finish it all tonight?" Heero asked rhetorically, only a slight fringe of annoyance to his otherwise monotonous voice as he continued his lone sojourn into the unfortunate base's security systems. 

His roommate snorted and sat up in their bed, his violet eyes blinking sleepily and glowing in the moonlight. "Whatever, Heero. It can't be a matter of life or death, ya know! *We* are Gundam pilots; *they* are OZ soldiers! Sheesh, they're famous for not being able to hit anything more than an inch away from their faces! Even the most devoted OZie would bet on us." He yawned, his mouth opening wider than Heero had thought anatomically possible. "I think it can wait until you get some shut-eye."

"Duo no baka." Whoops. The air got so *icy* when he said that. "If I don't finish this now, this base's system administrators could possibly discover my presence here. That's to be avoided."

"Ch! Well, *duh*, Heero!" Duo replied testily. "Just kick me when I'm down!" Heero shot a glance at his lover - since when was Duo ever down? Hn. He was oddly irritable, come to think of it, snapping at everyone. Probably skipped his dose of sugar that morning, or something. "Oka~y, let's try this from a different angle, Yuy... PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!"

A few birds were roused from their late-night slumber and flew off in a rather dazed fashion, their light blue coloring just barely discernible outside the window.

Heero was almost startled; his eyes did widen microscopically, and he glanced back over at Duo, who was looking increasingly grumpy. "You never pay attention to me. Not when we're with the others. Not when we're alone, 'less you need a good roll in the hay. I'm not into that at all, Heero, and it's getting me extremely annoyed and upset." Duo's eyes were flaring violet. "Not to mention, you keep me up all fucking night with your damned typing! Just what am I to you, anyway?!"

/Everything,/ Heero's heart responded at once. But as always, Heero's lips did not, could not form the words. His heart lurched uncomfortably. "You're..." Heero began, trying to find the right thing to say.

For a moment, all thoughts of the base were abandoned, simply flung from his mind, an angry, doubtful and hurt pair of violet eyes superimposed where those thoughts once lurked. "... ugh..." Heero grunted in frustration as his once-nimble fingers began to fumble uncertaintly over the keyboard. He had to say something, had to do something, had to mollify the braided pilot or - or - something... And Heero didn't think his typing was helping much in the situation.

"I'm what?" Duo snapped. "Good in bed? Pretty to look at? Boy toy of the Perfect Soldier? If you won't even stop your goddamned typing then good night, Yuy, and don't you come crawling back to me." Duo's voice was starting to sound strangled. "Don't you *dare*, not after - "

Heero gave up all thoughts of continuing his hacking journey as he pushed the chair out from his desk to look at Duo. Duo had been off-color lately and Heero was certain that it wasn't for lack of food, for the American's appetite was quite as voracious as always, nor for lack of activity, for they had had a few tough missions as missions go and Deathscythe-Hell looked like it could use some touch-ups. Now it seemed as though whatever was bothering Duo was about to come out.

Or... knowing Duo, and how much he despised having others see him in vulnerability that was all too real and not merely some exagerrated parody... maybe not. Duo had stuffed his head beneath the pillow and was emitting a few high-pitched, frustrated, gasping sounds that if Heero hadn't known better he would have taken to be the crushing of tears.

"Not after what?" Heero asked, morbid curiousity overcoming him. The quality of the silence in that room changed at once. He immediately felt the urge to reach out, grab those words and shove them into the nearest garbage can. 

"After *what*?" Though muffled, Heero could tell that Duo's voice was not its usual playful, brazen tone, but filled with venomous ice. "Oh, after absolutely *nothing*, Heero," Duo's muffled voice informed him, cold sarcasm dripping off every syllable and nearly materializing in front of Heero's very face. "Nothing extremely important, not to you, anyway. After all, what's a guy's virginity to be worried about, huh? No big deal, right? Oh no~, it's perfectly alright to go about taking it, with no warnings or anything, just hopping right on in, doesn't matter how much it hurt, or what the other guy thinks or feels or anything. No PROBLEM! Isn't that *right*, Heero?" Duo's delicate-looking hands clutched the pillow with a death-grip, just daring Heero to try and approach him.

"I didn't think it bothered you. /And I wanted you so bad, I couldn't wait any more./ You didn't act like anything was wrong. /You acted as if you had wanted it to happen./ You didn't resist, /I don't know what I would have done if you had/" Heero said in a low voice as he crouched near the head of Duo's bed, watching the moonshot gray lump hunched beneath the blankets.

That statement was enough to make Duo shoot up indignantly, spluttering, waving his pillow in the air. "Christ, Heero!" he cried in exasperation. "You want me to slap a neon sign on my forehead for you? It's called some form of *consideration*, I mean, God, you just climbed into bed and screwed me blind." Duo's voice wavered. "And I..."

Heero noticed the watery shine to Duo's eyes, as if the Shinigami pilot was on the verge of tears. Impossible. Duo was the least likely of all of them to cry. He said so himself. 

Duo's violet gaze locked on to Heero and focused, hard and harsh. He brought his head very close to Heero's, until their foreheads touched. Cobalt blue eyes blinked once, slightly discomfited, wary, and without the light of understanding to them. The fierceness in Duo's gaze was usually reserved for Deathscythe's cockpit. "I liked it," Duo hissed, warm breath tickling Heero's face and the shine to his eyes growing even more pronounced, "and I wondered where it was coming from. I actually reckoned that just maybe, Mr. My-Stick-Is-Shoved-Further-Up-My-Ass-Than-Yours Yuy could feel something beyond 'Me want mission.' So I waited a little bit, and I tried talking to you, and I got *nothing*. You know shit of what that feels like. Zero emotional response! You love that laptop more than you would your mother! I shoulda known I'm no competition for it, but know this; you're not getting anything more out of me." 

Heero found no words that he could say to comfort the furious, mutinous boy who had once more retreated beneath gray blankets. "Everything," a strangely gentle voice whispered into the moonshot dark of the tension-filled room.

"Did you say something?" Duo's suspiciously wavering voice still held its venom. "Knock me over with a feather."

"I... iie, I..." No way had he said that word, he could never, ever voice his thoughts aloud, especially not now. Kuso! Duo was making sense, while Heero was making excuses. Duo was right. Heero had climbed into bed one night, shook Duo awake and proceeded to screw him like there was no tomorrow, yet Duo hadn't resisted and now Duo was pissed because... Heero said nothing? What was Heero supposed to say? Shit, what a mess. "I..."

"Good. Night. And if I hear any more typing, I don't care if you rip me apart, I'm throwing the fucking laptop out the window." Duo's obstinately rigid frame rolled over until the stiff line of his back was facing Heero. "Get in bed."

Quietly Heero did as ordered, facing Duo's long chestnut braid, his laptop forgotten and glowing a frustrated sort of green that oddly matched Heero's tanktop. Maybe it was just Heero, or was Duo's back hitching slightly... and there was that sound in the air, a soft and high-pitched whimper, and the choking breaths that came with rebellious tears... 

The truth shot to the forefront of Heero's mind at once. Duo was crying. No matter how he tried to hide it, Heero's senses were sensitive enough to pick it up.

He carefully reached out and placed an arm around Duo's slim frame, shaking all the more violently now. He had been told once, probably by Dr. J as some interesting fact, that human contact was one of the best medicines ever invented. Duo probably didn't want this particular human's contact -- a flood of guilt rushed Heero, at causing such pain in the boy whose livelihood he considered *the* most precious -- but still, Heero wanted to do something. Despite the poison in his voice and the painful death promised with his gaze, Duo was helpless with emotion now. 

"Don't touch me," Duo pleaded brokenly and that only confirmed Heero's original prognosis; Duo was crying and trying to hide it.

/Act on your emotions./ "I'm sorry," Heero said quietly, pulling Duo to him. "I didn't know."

"Now you do. Congrats," Duo replied bitingly, one hand reaching up to scrub at his face. 

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

"You act like this is a normal occurence. I don't go around weeping, you know. Give me some credit, and while you're at it you could please remove your arm. I gave you chances and it's too late now."

/Everything.../ "Please, Duo." Heero was hearing a note in his voice he had never heard before; he was begging.

"Please what? What more do you want from me?" Duo's voice sounded exhausted and dejected. "I gave you the only thing I had left and more and you just threw them to the side like they were nothing." There was more bitterness in Duo's voice than Heero had ever heard before.

/I don't want to make a mistake. I could lose you right now.../ "I'm not good at this, Duo, and I don't think it'll come out right, but - "

"Just - "

"Ai shiteiru yo," Heero burst out quickly, and then the room was silent as Duo struggled to process this.

"Is that so." For a while, Heero could tell, Duo had forced his tears to stop, but now Duo's voice was showing the tell-tale wear. "Do you really? Words mean so little."

"H-hai." His heart was beating so painfully fast. This was a promise like he had never made to anyone else.

"God*damn* you, Heero Yuy!" Duo whispered, and in the next moment had his fingers curling into the tough flesh of Heero's back and his face buried in Heero's bare chest. "How can you *do* this to me?"

Tentatively, yet gaining in the surety that he was somehow doing the right thing, Heero tightened the hold he had gained on Duo, wrapping the boy in his embrace - something no one in the world, besides a small charred puppy, had ever felt before. 

"I should not forgive you, I should not be with you, I should not love you, not now, I should not feel this," Duo was chanting, over and over. "I won't, I won't, not after what you did, not after you ignored me, not after you - "

"Shh." The soothing sound had slipped out of Heero's mouth, and Heero was treading where he never had before, operating on nothing more than instinct. He began to caress the back of Duo's neck, not seductively, but with a comforting rhythm. "Another chance, and I swear I won't mess up. Just tell me what you want. You're everything... shh, now... let's sleep."

"Damn you," Duo whispered fervently, as his body relaxed, and his tortured violet eyes slowly closed, conquered by none other than his closest brother Sleep.

Heero lay there for some time after, staring into the emptiness of the room and gently stroking Duo's backside. Sooner or later he too fell into sleep, his head resting protectively on Duo's soft crown of hair.

~Owari


End file.
